I’m Sorry — I Was Wrong

By Ivanka Trump (2030) — As Told to Harry Freedman (2021)

I was wrong. I was insensitive, overbearing, and had a grandiose sense of entitlement during my dad’s term in office. I know this now and I take full responsibility for my actions.

But I think I have some really good solid reasons. (excuses) My father was the greatest conman in American history, and I was brainwashed like everybody else. He blamed everyone else for anything that went wrong and sadly I had the same character flaw. And for that, I blame my dad.

I know I caused pain to a lot of people. I laughed off the kids in cages, treated poor people with disdain, ignored the racism, and blamed a friend for my fart on in an elevator. These are all unpardonable sins.

But I am finally on a true path to healing, although the expression I like to use is, “Truth the Heal.”

I’m in therapy and see now that I was a cult victim. Apparently, the long-term effects are worse near the top of a cult as opposed to the bottom. After all, Bernie Madoff ultimately suffered a lot more than the losers, I mean victims he scammed. Sure, some of them lost their homes, but he lost a son, so who really scammed who?

I’ve also taken to working with prisoners including Alison Small from Nexium. We’ve bonded over our shared experiences. And we have dinner plans at The Four Seasons (not the hotel) as soon as she gets out of prison.

I know now that I was an accomplice to a lot of evil behavior, (I mean mischievous). I think it would be painful and unfair to the victims to relive the specifics of what I did, so I’d rather help us all move forward by offering positive happy thoughts.

So, to the kids who were in cages I say, “Get over it. You’re all grown up now and the cages weren’t all that bad. I know, because I too grew up in a cage. A gilded cage true, but a cage nonetheless, so we share much in common.”

Besides, I’ve gotten thank you notes from many of those grown up kids. Because if dad hadn’t put them in cages, they wouldn’t have become American citizens when Biden declared their freedom. So, to them I say, “You’re welcome.”

Of course, some of it was fun. I got to fly around the world. I got to meet Kim Jong-Un, (he’s cute in a Panda Bear way) and attend the G-20 economic summit on “Send your daughter to work instead of yourself day.”

Since my divorce from Jared back in 2023, I can say now that he was an idiot. I married him because I thought Jews made good breeding. But the work he did on Covid probably single-handedly cost us the election.

But Dad didn’t want to emasculate Jared like he did to Eric and Don Jr, which is why they kept hunting so often, so he put Jared in charge of opioid addiction, healthcare, criminal justice, foreign policy, Coronavirus, and pardons that included his father.

I am no longer as wealthy as I once thought I was, but dad’s friends dropped a few hundred million in my go-fund page in return for the billions he gave them. But I’m different now. Really. I even take my kids to Costco just to show them how the lower-class lives.

GRUDGES

Sadly, there are some people I will never forgive.

First, I want to thank President Harris for deporting Melania. She was a phony. May she suffer forever.

To the friends I’ve lost, I am truly sorry — — that you now feel the need to judge me. You were not in my Gucci’s.

To the friend who wrote about our childhood. We shared many a laugh and an occasional elevator fart, but did you really have to write about that fart 20 years later? You are officially A Parasite, just like the poor people in that movie I didn’t see.

HAPPY ENDINGS

I recently partnered up with Martha Stewart! She’s a bit forgetful in her old age and it was easy to get (force) her to sign her business empire over to me. Don’t worry, she’s being well taken care of. Or at least better than she was in jail.

I have a lot of regrets over my past behavior, but daddy taught me business is business and Martha was a perfect mark. Besides, nobody ever liked her either.

GRATITUDE

To the people who still support my dad 10 years later. Thank you for the annual boat and motorcycle parades. But Howard Stern was right. My dad thought you were all disgusting. After his rallies, he often said, “I’d rather have golden showers from Russian hookers rather than shake hands with these animals.” Good times though.

Love to all my fans (suckers) who still buy my products,

Ivanka!

PS. Here are some the latest products from the IVANKA STEWART BRAND

A line of boys’ T-shirts called, “Little Marco Polos.”

Musical instruments including “Wuhan Flutes.”

Spirits from my very own “Crooked Distillery.”

“Pocahontas Jewelry” from sacred Indian lands mined at Elizabeth Warren’s house.

A high energy drink for “Low Energy Jebs.”

My “We All Make Mistakes” personal lingerie — prices starting at $29.99 for panties (unused) to $299.99 (used)

And broken watches for Manhattan residents called, “The Failing NY Times.”